A Sort of Return

AS THINGS STAND
By Alex Ness
July 20, 2024

I know I will return but after the latest failed procedure, I don't know when. My kidney with stones so large they won't pass have also entered the discussion. I have cancer cells floating in places they have no business being there. And cells where the others are floating that aren't floating and belong there. As tests go, I didn't get a passing grade. So there are things to do, and go through, as my health is failing. I've begun losing memories and words from my vocabulary. Don't fear, should I live, should I die, I absolutely have had a life well beyond what might have been.

Photo by Jeremy Clifft ©

I feel compelled to mention, a vital person in my life who has never been mentioned here, helped me get out of a massive depressed state, one in which I tried to kill myself. It failed but the red scar visible around my neck the next day marked me as a suicide attempt guy. Someone who spoke with bit of a European accent took my shoulder and asked to talk to me. We got in a semi private corner and he said, you know, you have people who love you and like you and want you in their lives. Don't try it again.  And I promise you could tell he spoke from experience. We ended up being very close, and he was someone I know God placed in my life to help me survive. We should have ended up forever friends, but he was really protective of his address and past.

But I can say, he was Jewish originally from Algeria, and when the Algerian war with France was over, his family came under Anti-Semitic threats. They quickly moved to France, but had lost all they owned. After his parents had all their family die in the Holocaust they first moved back to Paris, but after Martin was 4 years old, or so, they moved to America. He was told to avoid a future Holocaust.  Both of his parents died in a car accident. They were in a small car and a semi 18 wheeler hit them, causing their car to roll over dozens of times.

He was left with a giant house, insurance, he sold his family's business, and could live forever without doing a thing. But he was an artist, and his work may someday be found. Martin was someone I thought would be friends with me forever, but in a way he was, as the person who called to tell me that Martin died, said he spoke about reading my work often, and wanting to connect with me again. So, even though he lived the epitome of a private life, I am online.  He kept telling our mutual friend that he knew I'd make it as a writer. (true or not true, that is what he said)... It broke my heart after five years of losses, illness and pain.

I was conceived in rape at a time such a thing was not fixable by a quick and legal abortion. I was carried and born almost perfectly on time, by a woman who was forced to carry my life to term. She and her mother could have crossed a border or paid to go to a back office somewhere, but I survived the fire, and emerged, full of life, and new opportunities. The couple who adopted me and their first child, my brother, wanted to complete their family plan. The first words I heard, came from my two year old brother, and they were, "May God bless him".

My adoptive parents were not wealthy, and they were not perfect. However they were perfectionists and they were dedicated to having a family that would be perfect. That didn't happen, but I am grateful for all that they taught me, all that my brother represented to me, my first hero, my first Batman, the Lone Ranger. I was Robin, Tonto, and his side kick in any form.

I am alive despite 7 doctors saying you should be dead, more than 9 different times. A broken neck, other broken bones, cancer, infections from staph around my heart and many other issues.  I was broken, but I was ok, even after cancer. But since 2019 I've been in the wasteland, with no path known safe. Honestly, I really should be dead. 

But I am not. And I've things to do before I go.

When I return to writing this column on a regular basis, a band I've liked very much and covered in large, broad focus interviews and discussions will have released some new music, and I will enjoy listening to them and telling my readers my thoughts.

I was going to try to post a post a day featuring my friends who helped me endure. But I am exhausted, I am in so much pain I can't sleep. And it feels impossible to write anything like I used to. I have a very long piece to pay forward regarding the kindness Erik Larsen has given me. I don't deserve it, it is so very much an example of grace, kindness undeserved. Others like Mike Baron and Mike Grell helped me through as well. Brian Haberlin, Bryan Glass, Frank Beddor and Nate Barlow all showed me similar grace and hope and much mercy and kindness as well. Who knows where this will go. But I should say, I've had numerous people do the opposite as all these wonderful people, it seems the more you are open about health or disasters you place a target upon your chest. Oh well C'est la Guerre.

And now, an important message. Please follow its requests.

Love to my readers and all.  Bless you.