Whoa that was a short Hiatus

I'LL LIVE
By Alex Ness
June 11, 2023

I'm not currently dying. I found out that I'll need to get a screen every year until those precancerous cells that are growing in me, bloom into dangerous cancer. But I've but one surgery, followed by a screen in a year, no chemo, no radiation. The cancer is one that has a high curability rate, and recurs every 10 years.

I am going to live, oh my friends, readers and interested bystanders. Not forever of course, and really, who'd ever want such a thing in this fragile flesh?

This quote, by Yukio Mishima struck me in particular, about recent times. When someone who is hyper critical sends you many emails or direct messages or texts, telling you how stupid he sees you being, does he perceive the silence is you not letting him wound you, when you are trying to heal. Does he not see that he judges others upon standards that in other portions of existence he'd fail in every category.  I guess not.

So when are we back to normal weekly articles? I don't know. I've extreme fatigue still, I likely still have mono. My computer spell check tried turning my word Mono into money. And that is a laugh, "I likely still do not have money." <----- There, I fixed it. I'm not eager to begin to write 80 hours/week again. I don't make enough or any money to justify running my body into being a mass decayed living corpse.

Part of this quote moves me deeply. Whatever we do in life, has a cost, and it always feels that a difficult project, or difficult life, it becomes a contest between you and reality, and the one way to defeat the enemy, is to keep making progress. You can't eat a giant elephant, but if you tried? You'd have to do it one bite at a time.

I've collected books I plan to read, and some comics. I have been trying to write two more series of poems for making into lyrics and then weave them into the composer's opus. I was saved, during my two year struggle with deaths of family and friends, physical pain and issues with cancer, as I have mentioned. Aaron Kerr is the composer of the works utilizing my lyrics, and working with him last year, allowed me to survive all that life threw at me. I focused, wrote one set of poems, then slept and lived. Then began again, with a new set of poems and life happened, however good or bad, and I tried to sleep, deal with pain. Following my near death broken neck and repeated surgeries, I tried to right any wrong in the event I were to die. I tried to mend broken friendships, and I've realized, if someone has spent their life while knowing you and they can't help speak hatefully to you, they probably hate you and it is time to count the costs, and move on.  

Now you know this quote moved me, Mishima died in a suicidal manner, but just prior he delivered his final books to his publisher. He was known to believe that the Japanese had lost their way. He was perhaps feeling guilt that he was forbidden by the induction medical staff to enter the military due to a medical condition, thus, they prevented his entry into the Japanese military, and carrying on the samurai legacy of his grandparents into the deeper past. So he attempted to fix what the war and loss of the war that destroyed much of metropolitan Japan.

Both recently and through my life I dealt with moments of suicidal ideation. I saw my health options as die of horrible cancer, or live in the pain of arthritis and dysfunction of my joints and bones. I had been told twice, the most likely cancer was lymphoma, and that after the first scan, they said between late 3rd stage and early 4th. But I found out that Mayo said it was almost certainly a return of my original cancer, and it moves slowly, it is a passive and indolent type. So, not wanting to kill myself over such a thing, and not wanting to leave my wife, brother cats and family.

I recently became self aware of the fears I had of losing my cats to old age. Praying to God that I leave this earth before I lose my cat Katya, I've never feared death for me, I looked at as some kind bonus. I lose the pain and misery getting to find a peace in the afterlife, whether Heaven, Hell or Oblivion or life endurance. But between those choices I've chosen endurance and life. I love my family, especially my wife and son.

With my own pain as a barometer of my willingness to endure, I have a new energy to create stories and art, with collaborative partners. I'm also not going to use Amazon to publish and sell my works. I know many people use it well, but I don't sell online, my books sell in person. In person has always been the majority of sales. So who will I use? Well I am going to use some printing option, I guess I don't know yet.

So, bless you all, thanks for reading this. More soon, I hope.

GETTING REVIEWS?

I can be found on Facebook, Twitter or through email Alexanderness63@gmail.com. I accept hard copies, so when you inquire at any of these places, I'll follow through by telling you my street address.If you send hard copies for review I will try to always review them, but if you prefer to send pdf or ebooks to my email, I will review these at my discretion. I don't share my pdf/ebooks, so you can avoid worry that I'd dispense them for free to others.

My Creative Blogs:

5k poem blog     AlexNessPoetry.Blogspot.Com
 
Cthulhu/horror  CthulhuDarkness.Blogspot.Com

Atlantis Lost Kingdoms  AlexNessLostWorlds.Blogspot.Com
Published works   AlexNessPoetry.Blogspot.Com/2007/01/My-Work.html

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“... of all the kinds of decay in this world, decadent
 purity is the most malignant.” Yukio Mishima